Narcissism – I finally understand

I lived through so many ups and downs and dramatic events my whole life, that I thought that was the norm. Drama was for Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner in my household, and I had NO idea that it was happening.  It was only after I separated myself long enough to figure out why my life has always been on high intensity was I able to see the abusive behavior for what it is. I carved out so many things in my life that led me down the wrong roads. 

I could not figure out why I was depressed, and that my goals could not be reached. I knew I was doing all the right things but could never climb out. Only after I separated myself long enough to “see” was I able to shift my life in the right direction.

My perception of reality was so skewed that I had trouble in all areas of my life. 

Here is how Narcissism is defined in Wiki:

Narcissism is a self–centered personality style characterized as having an excessive preoccupation with oneself and one’s own needs, often at the expense of others.

Narcissism exists on a continuum that ranges from normal to abnormal personality expression. While many psychologists believe that a moderate degree of narcissism is normal and healthy in humans, there are also more extreme forms, observable particularly in people who are excessively self-absorbed, or who have a mental illness like narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), where the narcissistic tendency has become pathological, leading to functional impairment and psychosocial disability.

Here are some signs that I discovered about narcissism only after I separated myself from my parents:

• Narcissists never apologize or admit when they hurt you physically or mentally, ever. They do not care if you are their spouse, child, grandchild, friend or whoever. They do not care. They have no empathy unless it benefits them.
• Narcissists like to help other people besides their own family to feel good while their family members or children watch. They blame their own children or family members for causing them to not want to help them because they don’t agree to take on the unreasonable abuse they get versus the supporting behavior they have with others.
• Narcissists will tear you down and make you feel guilty in some way for pointing out bad decisions or bad behavior as if it was your fault, or that your perception is not correct.
• Narcissists justify treating people poorly as if they deserve it and will stick with the poor decisions even if it causes them or you to fail just to prove they are correct. It doesn’t matter if it is in writing or proven, whatever the situation they are always right.
• Narcissists like to use money or the promise of money as a control mechanism so that you will think they are amazing and hide their bad behavior, hide a situation they think money will justify, or convince you that you need to do something you know is wrong.
• Narcissists like to ask for advice hoping that you would agree with a bad decision, doing it anyway and then blaming someone you for the failure of the bad decision. They are ONLY nice when they need something from you, the minute you disagree they become the mortal enemy.
• Narcissists love “get rich quick schemes”, and they get angry if you don’t participate and find ways to justify even when they fail. They worship money, the idea of money and are jealous of your money.
• Narcissists prey on the weak and that includes their own children and grandchildren. They have NO compassion. They say they do, but they expect everyone to come to their beckon call, but when it comes to others if you are down, they will blame you for being down regardless of the situation. They might bring some soup all the while telling you about how down they are as if they need the soup. They do not care about your situation; they are just looking for attention.
• Narcissists are never happy and want you to suffer too. They spend all of their time sad or depressed because they think everyone has a better life than they do and they will not hesitate to create a ploy against you they make up in their mind than ever admitting they did anything that caused you to suffer. They want to be attended to for their suffering even if they caused it themselves. Good or bad they require your attention to be the center of attention and most of the time, the more drama they cause the more attention they get to set the need of their ego.
• Narcissists are jealous about the oddball things that you have never thought about, and will get angry and make up scenarios to create drama about whatever their thought is and create a campaign to be mad at you for whatever it is.
• Narcissists will never congratulate you for your accomplishments, but they will not hesitate to tell you what you “really” need to do to ever be successful. It does not matter how accomplished you are, they will never tell you they are proud of you.
• Narcissists will not participate in any celebration of yours unless it makes them look better or if it gives them a way to be the center of attention.  And TRUST ME, if they show up, they will be miserable. The seats are bad, the view is bad, they are thirsty, hungry, your directions were not clear or the drive over was terrible. But then, they will tell you the horrors of why it bad to celebrate, it does not matter if it is to have a moment of accomplishment, a birthday or a holiday, they do not want to celebrate anything unless it is all about them. It is too much trouble to show up to celebrate someone else, but by golly you better show up for them or there is hell to pay.
• Narcissists like to create drama like starting a fight in public, acting out in some way including getting drunk consistently to show how in control they are in their life, regardless of how ridiculous they look. They think they look good or in control, but many times they are the life of the party because they are bold in their actions, but never consider anyone else or how it affects the other people in their family. They ignore the people that love them the most even when they don’t deserve it.
• Narcissists never take any responsibility for their actions or bad decisions. Ever.
• Narcissists only call you or reach out to you if they want something or need something, and do not consider your life important and will never ask you how you are doing or even try to butter you up. They go for the jugular even when you are down.

I have multiple stories for each bullet point, but if you have been through any of this, you are not alone and it should resonate with you. This is a serious disorder, and they will NOT change. You cannot expect it, and they like it when you get upset about their behavior, It feeds their ego. They are only upset when they don’t feel like they have control over the situation.  They want the argument, and they prepare in detail to be right for any conflict, they justify it every time.  Even in their own health, they justify bad behavior and refuse to hear or see the truth even if it hurts them or you. They don’t even realize they are lying as long as you hear what they want you to hear. 

Gaining control of your life after the influence of a narcissist can be challenging but entirely possible with deliberate steps. Here are some strategies to help you regain control and move forward:

1. Acknowledge the Abuse:

   • Recognize that you were manipulated and emotionally abused. Understanding that it wasn’t your fault is a critical first step in healing.

2. Cut Off Contact:

   • If possible, cut off all communication with the narcissist. This can be difficult but is often necessary to start the healing process.

3. Seek Support:

   • Reach out to friends, family, or support groups. Surrounding yourself with understanding and supportive people can help you regain your sense of self.

4. Professional Help:

   • Consider therapy or coaching. A professional can help you work through the trauma and provide strategies for recovery.

5. Establish Boundaries:

   • Learn to set and maintain healthy boundaries in all aspects of your life. This will help protect you from further manipulation.

6. Focus on Self-Care:

   • Engage in activities that promote your well-being. Exercise, proper nutrition, and hobbies can all help restore your physical and mental health.

7. Rebuild Self-Esteem:

   • Work on rebuilding your self-esteem and confidence. This can involve affirmations, setting small goals, and celebrating your achievements.

8. Educate Yourself:

   • Learn about narcissistic behavior and its effects. Understanding the dynamics can help you avoid falling into similar patterns in the future.

9. Mindfulness and Meditation:

   • Practices like mindfulness and meditation can help you stay present and reduce anxiety, helping you regain control over your thoughts and emotions.

10. Take Your Time:

    • Healing is a process that takes time. Be patient with yourself and recognize that recovery is a journey.

11. Create New Goals:

    • Start setting new goals for your future. Focus on what you want to achieve and take small steps towards those goals.

12. Embrace Independence:

    • Reclaim your independence by making decisions for yourself, even in small matters. This helps build confidence and a sense of control.

Remember, everyone’s journey to recovery is unique, so find what works best for you and be kind to yourself along the way.